COOLSH.IT

Vibrator Impresario Gives Away 2,000 Free Vibrators


The government shutdown is over, and everyone’s back to work. Perhaps a few government employees will be returning to their desks with a bit more of a glow thanks to Tom Nardone, the owner of Vibrators.com
Tom and his company gave away over 2,000 free vibrators to furloughed government employees, and I chatted with him about the logistics of his operation and what’s next now that everyone’s back to work. 
Did you hear that the government shutdown is over?
Yeah, well I was listening to NPR and it sounds like everyone’s going back to work tomorrow.
Is your free vibrator campaign over too?
One last hurrah. We’ll send out 200 more tomorrow. We don’t want to be seen as cheapskate after you give out so many, you don’t want to short change another 200. 
How many vibrators have you sent out?
We’ve sent out around 2,000 vibrators since last Friday.
Is it a real vibrator?
It’s a real simple toy, just a regular vibrator - 5inches long, it’s pink, and it has our logo printed on it. For about a year and a half it’s been the free gift with your order. It’s always gotten good reviews, and it’s got a good motor in it. We paid a little extra to get one with a good motor. The vibrator we’re giving out, we buy them by the pound. 
Where do you keep 2,000 vibrators?
In our warehouse which is 14,000 square feet in an industrial park. 
Filled with vibrators and dildos?
… and anything that’s embarrassing to buy. Bachelorette party merchandise, embarrassing pharmaceuticals, weird sex toys, strange things, anal bleaching cream. 
Is that a big seller?
It is, it’s in the top 20. 
How did the idea come about?
All day we were joking about the shutdown and talking about how much we didn’t like it, and I have this other site called ShopInPrivate.com where we sell really embarrassing things like erectile disfunction products and that kind of stuff and we thought “Hey we should send free penis pumps to all the Congressmen - just joking on a Friday afternoon kind of thing.
Did you?
No, we thought that wouldn’t be helpful. I asked, what would be helpful and we decided we should give out free vibrators to all those people at home with no work. We started joking in the office about ‘getting fucked by work’ — and we thought maybe this would be fun to do.
So the government shutdown was a good thing for you?
Well, this was the only time where we could be seen as the good guy. When Katrina happened and all these companies were donating aid, if we tried to send 1,000 vibrators, they would have sent them back and yelled at us. Same for Hurricane Sandy - when everyone lost power, if we sent battery operated vibrators to help, they’d send them back. 
How did you know everyone ordering a vibrator was a government employee?
Well we knew we couldn’t. We’re PrivaCo, the world’s most private company, there’s no way we’d ask people what they do for a job. So we just said, we’ll just offer it, and limit it per day, and get some Karma for sending free vibrators. We did make you type in certain coupon codes like “I am a government employee”. 
How quickly did they go?
One day, we gave away 200 vibrators in 6 minutes. 
How did they go so quickly?
There are websites out there all about free deals. When you get listed on one of these websites, it’s the death of any offer. These sites, they tell you how to work the system so you can get more than one. 
Well that’s annoying. Did that piss you off?
Well what we really took offense to was people ordering as many as they could get. To me, that’s just ridiculous. It’s an insult to me, to think that we couldn’t figure that out. We are information users. We are an internet company, not some Mom and Pop shop. 
What’s the best part of being a vibrator impresario?
There’s a lot of great things about it. I think the best thing is it’s fun. Not to oversimplify it, but I’m a creative person but my creativity doesn’t lie in the way others do, I’m not a great poet, I’m not a great artist, i like these little lifehacks for people. 

Is it fun?
Regardless of profitability, if you told me there was a way I could deliver 100,000 free vibrators everyday, and not go broke doin’ it, I’d do it. It’s a positive thing. There’s got to be some karma in it. All these people having orgasms, that’s pretty cool. 
Was it fun watching the orders come in at a super fast pace?
Yeah. Lots. It was great when saw orders from those National Park areas. If you Google Map them, and they’re out in the wilderness, that made us happy. If you’re a park ranger, you live in the middle of nowhere, but you do get to live in a national park, but it sucks with no job.
Was there any backlash to your promotion?
No, I haven’t heard a single thing. People are only mad they’re sold out everyday. We get a lot of angry calls. The person who’s had this worst is our customer service guy. They’re not polite, it’s like it’s their God given right to get this offer, and it ramps up everyday.
Was it cool to be the good guy for a change?
To some people, I may as well be kicking puppies, wherever I go I have to be aware of what people think of me, and this has been the only instance where the guy who sells vibrators is seen as nice, because the government is so unpopular. The government was the villain in this case. 

Here are some hip Amish teens on their Rumspringa visit to the UK. 

I like the idea of Rumspringa. It’s quite good. It seems like fun, and I’d like to hang out with some Amish on their Rumspringa and catch them up on what’s been going on. 

One thing I learned was the Amish tradition of ‘bundling' - which is when you hop in bed with someone with your clothes on and go to sleep. Wikipedia says: “When used for courtship, the aim was to allow intimacy without sexual intercourse.”

Cool guys. 

As I said, I’d like to meet up with Rumspringin’ teens to fill them in on how to party. It could be fun and educational. 

Go to 14:47 for the sex stuff.

99 Year old Israeli lady had 1,400 descendants, claimed to know all of them.

Meet Rachel Krishevsky. Unfortunately, Rachel died in 2009. Fortunately, she had 1,400 descendants. How did this all begin? First, she married her cousin.

UPI says:

Rachel Krishevsky, who married her cousin, Yitzhak, before age 19 and lived to see her great-great grandchildren, died Saturday, Ynetnews.com reported. The couple had 11 children, seven sons and four daughters.

Much like dominoes, one child had a few more, another and even more children. By the time Rachel was 99, there were 1,400 of her spawn.

I thought this was kind of crazy, but apparently it’s not too rare in Jerusalem. Some others have her beat, but the exact numbers aren’t known.

Though Krishevsky certainly produced many offspring, she did was not a record-breaker. In the haredi sector, there are two well-known cases of living people having great-great-great-grandchildren. One such case is in a Hassidic family living in the Jerusalem neighborhood of Mea Shearim. Another such family is that of Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv, the leader of the Lithuanian branch of haredi Judaism. A few months ago, his great-great-grandson had his first child.

Well, this is great news. BRB while I go find these people. I have questions to ask. 

8th grade in 1912 seems really difficult.

Here’s your test. Look over it closely. You have one hour from the moment I tell you to flip them over. Do not flip them over before I tell you to. If you have to get up to go to the bathroom, please raise your hand. 

Ready. 

You may now … begin. 

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Time is up. Please turn your test over and pass it to your left. I will be coming up the rows to collect them, please have them facedown. 

Thanks to the Smithsonian for shit like this: http://blogs.smithsonianmag.com/smartnews/2013/07/no-youre-probably-not-smarter-than-a-1912-era-8th-grader/

I have terrible news. Your children were eaten by a python.

I hate snakes, again. This happens all the time with snakes. The older I get, the less I’m actually scared by snakes, but then snakes go and do shit like this. In New Brunswick - aka No Funswick - two boys, while sleeping at a friends house, were strangled by a python from the downstairs reptile store. It’s not often you sleep above a reptile store, but when you do, it’s hard not to think about the reptiles coming to kill you while you sleep. It’s probably the last thought you have before you doze off, but it’s pretty wild when it actually happens.

The two boys were 5 and 7, which is the worst news of it all. They weren’t doing anything wrong (as far as I know), but somehow they couldn’t escape the python deathgrip. 

Below is an infographic on why pythons don’t belong in New Brunswick.

For the full story go here: http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/08/05/two-children-die-after-boa-constrictor-escapes-in-campbellton-n-b-reports/

The US Military spends $45.90 dollars on one screw.

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reddit user Sligmit posted this picture of a bolt for a High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, aka a Humvee. It costs $49.90, but the question was raised, perhaps it’s an incredibly important component of the vehicle. True, but then Sligmit came back to say, “I don’t think it justifies spending that much. If we had different suppliers to choose from, maybe competition would lower the price.”

It’s hard not to go into some sort of anti-bureaucracy about the government, but if it’s just a regular old bolt, why the fuck does it cost $45.90?

source: http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/1jj4w3/so_we_want_to_talk_about_outrageous_prices_this/cbf6vfm

Airplane drops shit on people’s house and cars.

A few people in Mississauga, Ontario - a massive suburb outside of Toronto - have complained airplanes heading to Toronto’s Pearson Airport are dropping shit on their cars and houses.

The Sullivan family of Mississauga said their driveway and three cars were splattered with what appeared to be feces dropped from a plane Wednesday, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported Friday.

"It just covered the top of my mom’s car, dripped down the side, splattered onto my car and back onto my dad’s," Lindsay Sullivan said.

"It smelt really bad," George Sullivan said. "It smelled like it was feces."

For those of you that don’t know, feces is a big word for poo. No one wants to see poo fall out of the sky, it’s downright disgusting, but it’s happening. There’s no way the Sullivan family would make this ‘shit’ up. It would be ‘asinine’.

Being hilarious Canadians they did make a good joke: 

"There’s no way one bird could have done it, unless it was a pterodactyl," he said. "It came from an airplane."

This isn’t a picture of the poo, but it could be if you stretch your mind. There is something weird about it though — Transport Canada said analysis of samples from the first incident indicated “the debris that fell on the Mississauga residence last week did not fall from an aircraft. Consequently, the investigation is now closed.”

It’s clear Transportation Canada has some weird shit to hide, or the Sullivans are, in fact lying. Why would they lie about such a thing? 

If you are the Sullivan Family, please reach out. I have questions.

Super Rare Bird Flies into Wind Turbine, dies.

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Above is a White-Throated Needletail, a very rare bird that hasn’t been seen in the UK in 22 years. These birds are fast as fuck. According to Wikipedia:

It is the fastest-flying bird in flapping flight, with a confirmed maximum of 111.6 km/h (69.3 mph)

I don’t know much about birds, but that’s mad. There have only been 8 confirmed sightings of the bird, which is a bit weird, considering we have hard facts concerning their speed, but recently one was spotted in Scotland.

Here is a boring video of the bird in flight: 

There have been only eight recorded sightings of the white-throated needletail in the UK since 1846. So when one popped up again on British shores this week, twitchers were understandably excited.

A group of 40 enthusiasts dashed to the Hebrides to catch a glimpse of the brown, black and blue bird, which breeds in Asia and winters in Australasia.

These bird enthusiasts were probably amazed to see the rare bird in flight, but that didn’t last long - as the bird flew right into a wind turbine and died. It effectively committed suicide in front of its biggest fans.

The Daily Mail has the details from an old guy:

John Marchant, 62, who had made the trip all the way from Norfolk, said: ‘We were absolutely over the moon to see the bird. We watched it for nearly two hours.

‘But while we were watching it suddenly got a bit close to the turbine and then the blades hit it.

‘We all rushed up to the turbine, which took about five minutes, hoping the bird had just been knocked out the sky but was okay.

‘Unfortunately it had taken a blow to the head and was stone dead.

‘It was really beautiful when it was flying around, graceful and with such speed. To suddenly see it fly into a turbine and fall out the sky was terrible.’

Very unfortunate indeed. I’m sure the bird had a long life ahead of it and got a bit of stage fright knowing it would be a huge YouTube sensation. 

So long good fellow. Your life was cut in half by a wind turbine.